At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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