I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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