I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
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Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
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for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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