There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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