i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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