my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
