I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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