Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
