I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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