Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
