i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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