id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
