At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
