He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
