my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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