whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
