He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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