Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Randomize
