Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i need some magic done to my vagina
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
