watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
