I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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