Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
i've created a new STD.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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