Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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