I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
