Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
