Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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