I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
