she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I could make wine with my vomit
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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