I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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