Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
