Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
