Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
