Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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