My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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