people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
