just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
