On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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