Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
