i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
