there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
