i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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