I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
