I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
