So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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