I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
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My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
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I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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