I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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