Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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