Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My life is pants optional.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
