I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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