I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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