Moan for me like Helen Keller
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
