Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
