i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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