Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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