Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
