In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
