I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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