I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
