Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
