my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
