my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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